The Psychology Behind Strained Father Son Relationships
Adult sons and daughters, aged 22 to 49, and their mothers and fathers (N = . As adult children gain employment and start new relationships, parents may. Helen Bale often couldn't stand her year-old son, George, but if you had a really difficult relationship with your mother (or father if you are. Daughters across the US feel like their relationship with their father was relationships with their fathers were more damaged than sons'.
From changing visitation time, to refusing to transport them anywhere which involved seeing me, to telling the children that the things which we did together were all for my benefit, to suggesting to the kids that if they got a blister while ice skating it was because I was an abusive father, it all weighs on you after a while. There is only so much of that stuff which you can take and eventually you don't go back for more. The OP did suggest that she wanted to hear reasons outside of the 'blocking' issues which some spouse's throw up.
It is, however, in large part a similar story. You go from seeing your kids every day in a loving and caring manner, to having to 'make an appointment' to see them.
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It takes away the spontaneity, and you end up juggling schedules in order to get thirty minutes with your kids. During the teen years, kids don't generally wish to hang out with Dad to begin with, but you have to be sure to be there in case they fall. It is very tricky to carry it out well.
Eventually Dad develops other interests, or becomes more involved in the job which generates the paychecks which provide the support, and life simply runs out of minutes. The kids do their thing, and Dad develops a life of his own. Especially when the physical family unit is broken apart, it is a huge commitment to travel to the kids, organize outings, get them fed and have a place to study, meet their commitments for dance, football, debate club, etc.
Why Do Some Fathers & Sons Not Get Along?
I guess some of it has to do with the definition of divorce: That unit functions well when everyone is in the same house, but when that is gone, and maybe the Dad and kids live far apart, it becomes a huge challenge to make it work seamlessly. Perhaps a facilitated conversation in therapy would provide an opportunity to deal with the unfinished business, leftover resentment from our childhood.
In cases of neglect, physical or emotional abuse, could a father acknowledge his wrong doing without excusing his behavior? At that point there would seem to be no hope for repair. Their attempts for reconciliation may or may not reach their father, but the real psychological work entails making a concerted effort to sort out this jumbled knot of confused, disturbing experiences and memories within themselves.
Personally, I have twice attempted to untie this knotfirst with my father and much later with my own son. These were largely unpleasant memories of abuse at the hands of my father, which he called discipline.
How daughters can repair a damaged relationship with their divorced dad
I wanted to try to deal with this upsurge of memories and intense resentment that was coming from deep within me. This created a stalemate between us, and every time I saw him I was tense and would entertain vengeful fantasies.
As part of my own therapy, I was able to vent intense feelings of righteous anger, victimization, and outrage. This ongoing venting of rage and hurt eventually opened up a totally unexpected memory.
I really didn't like my son
I came to realize that there had been a time when I was really young where I actually had wanted something from my father. It was a shock to have this memory. I also came to realize that this did not change anything with him, but it meant a lot to me to uncover this wanting feeling for him.
Unfortunately, nothing in the realm of relationship was possible with my father. So I had to let go and feel the pain of that old rejection and my anger, and then I was able to disengage and move on.
When I had a son of my own, I was tested as a father myself. The first early years with my son started off really well, but as he developed and became more autonomous and defiant, sadly, I was unable to manage my reactivity to his testing of boundaries, etc.
Here it was happening to me, not as extreme, but still a strained relationship, and this broke my heart that I was still so psychologically immature. I ended up on quite a roller coaster of a ride as a father. My son is now a grown man and we are currently sorting out our relationship.