[Enneagram Type 4] Relationships between Type 4 & 5
I felt I was not ready for marriage, emotionally and financially. The other answer comes from my type 4 side. AM #3 .. Cell Phones, Here's a "Killer" Landline ReplacementTalk Tech Daily | Search Ads. Jan 11, Explore Lisa Phelan's board "type 3 enneagram" on Pinterest. System for Understanding Yourself, Your Soul Gifts and Your Relationships. Relationships between Type 4 & 5 PM #3 4, as the most identity-oriented type, gets extremely offended to any sort of suggestion for change. . The Femme Fatale (4w3) meets the Serial Killer (5w6).
Nothing modern seems to work for long outside our busily efficient country where we are very good at promptly fixing public elevators or escalators, among other things. And everything is terribly expensive, especially high-tech stuff. We joke about taboo stuff, like death or pain…ha-ha-ha…nobody else does, that is, except Fives and Nines. Fives have an even quirkier sense of humor than we do; and Nines—well, Nines are basically shock-proof.
The Enneagram Blogspot: Type 2: Love-Seeker
And they tend to like decisive people; and I have no problems making decisions. Upon reflection, there have actually been an awful lot of Nines and Fives in my life.
And we like to withdraw together, too; some of my best gatherings have been with small groups of Nines and Fives. And that gets me over-amped. They can be touchy, though; and some of them seem defensive around Fours. Sixes are interesting types, but I never know how the relationship is going to go.
Learning about the enneagram helped me not to tease them about their anxiety, something I used to do before I realized how real it is for them. Eights are like our polar opposite. I really enjoy Eights; they make me laugh.
Finding the enneagram helped me better understand where people are coming from, so a lot of things I used to take personally just rock off my back now. Arthur Koestler spoke about the tragic and trivial planes; I think he might have been a Four.
Afterwards, he probed into deep topics like the nature of creativity and systems theory and did a lot of writing about what he found…. From my experience, Fours are okay with ordinary life as long as we manage to find some way to be in touch with something deeper in life. The problem with ordinariness comes when ordinariness is all there is. All the stuff that nourishes us is deep in the earth, where the mysteries dwell Writing also pulls up that deep energy within me; and what spills out onto the page is always new.
It can take months to write a book chapter or article, especially when the material is emergent.
But it is such an interesting process, even with the frustration. I know I throw away two or three times as much material as I end up with; ruthless culling is the only way to create something people might actually want to read.
Discipline confers dignity, and dignity confers self-respect. We also sense when people are lying about how they feel.
And we want it! The fancy term for this is introjection. I did some inner child work once, and was shocked to find a raging month old inside me, filled with both hatred and self-hatred.
The hatred was for my parents, who knew more about sentimental affection than real love; the self-hatred was for me: They were trying, but like most of their generation, they really needed a breather after 20 years sunk the Depression followed by WWII.
But what did I know about that? Like all kids, I wanted my needs met.
For Fours, this can become a pretty nasty vicious circle. Then it hurt at so basic a level that the detachment defence did not work anymore. I was hit at what the psychoanalysts call the 'oral needs', where one does not have a sense of differentiation between oneself and the beloved other. The other answer comes from my type 4 side.
I have certain ideas about the kind of person I want to spend my life with - primarily, that she should be able to be a companion on my inner journey, should have a similar passion for such things.
My ex did not have this, she was a regular person.
And partly, I was not prepared to marry her because of this value I hold so close to my heart, no matter what trauma comes my way. Thus, I disregarded how painful things may end up being when she does go to another man. Finally, a non-personality type answer.
People usually don't get over someone that they have loved in just 4 months. I did not expect her to tell me in 4 months that she is getting married to another man. I knew she would move to another man, but perhaps in a year, or a year and a half or more. I just didn't have the time to disentangle myself from her, psychically. Also, a lot of things in my life, with regard to career and relationships, have been rather messy. So the wound of these incidents hit me when I was already hurting.
A lot of my pain may have to do with my life and where it is, rather than with her. To balance things a bit, I should add that she continued to be, and even now continues to be, very attached to me, although we don't talk. I know this through common friends. Her reasons for getting married so soon had partly to do with the kind of pressure her family put on her which is common in my culture and partly due to her own issues with being single.
QuernusParetoCaretheStare and Animal thanked this post. Advertisement mimesis Unknown Sounds like Envy in enneagram sense. When you were together you were focused on what was missing, what you lacked, and what she was missing, and didn't see oror see the significance of you what had in your hands. Possibly because your values are not grounded in reality, but rather rooted in a fantasy.
Like your primary requirement that she should be a companion on your inner journey.
Relationship Type 3 with Type 4 — The Enneagram Institute
I don't blame you for that, because I had similar ideas myself when I was preoccupied with myself, and self absorbed. But I think that also has to do with your focus on what you need and missand not on what you can and want to offer You say you heard this its value from others, but it's really important that you are aware yourself that it is significant what you offer to others. I have an example here in how envy plays in how we value things. It's called mimetic desire my username refers to it.
It's like when a child cannot value the toys he plays with, but thinks the toy another child has is better, because it is desired, even when he rejected the toy himself just moments before, when it didn't seem significant.
Kid A is playing with a toy, and the next thing you know, Kid B wants it, too. Even when there are other toys around, Kid B is no longer satisfied. The selling of luxury items has depended upon this for ages: Or did it look a lot better once everyone else had some? Well I want it, too! The neuroscience of mimetic desire The Scicurious Brain, Scientific American Blog Network I personally don't think you made a wrong decision not to marry her, because I don't think you were ready for it.
I think that inner journey is something that at best you share thoughts and experiences, but essentially something you walk alone. You need to root yourself, and become grounded, and feel you belong, rather than cling to the other and hope the other to fill a void, and to feel you belong and feel significant.