Limerence and best friends relationship

Limerence - Wikipedia

limerence and best friends relationship

Limerence is a state of mind which results from a romantic attraction to another person and typically includes obsessive thoughts and fantasies and a desire to form or maintain a relationship with the object of love and have one's feelings reciprocated. . retrospective: actual events are replayed from memory with great vividness. It's always either just limerence or a strong platonic connection (friends / best friend type of relationship). So I don't know, without limerence. Recently I became limerent over a new friend. . and now are super close friends and have a normal, healthy relationship that doesn't threaten.

It was the worst, and I had a hard time disengaging because any time I pulled back, he kept wanting me to stick around and stuff because we had such a 'special and deep friendship and connection,' and it was ugh. I felt stuck, too because I had promised I'd always be there for him-- as long as he never intentionally did things to hurt me. Finally, he did something pretty crappy sharing our correspondence which I sent in confidence, and throwing me under the bus repeatedly which was the straw that broke the camel's back, for me, and pushed him so far out of my heart that I was able to just walk away.

I realized then he'd never really taken my side, and in the end, he'd sacrificed me to save his own skin, and it really really sucked. It helped I met somebody else, too, but what he did to me really pushed me far away and into the arms of another. It was a bad way of coping, but it did help me get over it pretty fast.

He felt like a drug. And the more I stayed in contact, the harder it was. The more I invested more energy than him-- sending him gifts and notes etc, the more I addicted I got to his small offerings of praise or comfort in return. The more few and far between they were, the more I got addicted to his intermittent rewards.

limerence and best friends relationship

They say the surest way to fall in love with somebody is to do things for them, and I think this was happening with me. When he first met someone else, I was hurt but after a few weeks my feelings faded because he went into 'taken' territory.

I thought I was over it, and in a large way I was. It was super platonic when we interacted, and I was almost mad at him for promising to wait and reneging.

Stupid brain, stop it. - love limerence relationship | Ask MetaFilter

But when we found ourselves alone at times, we'd talk and it was obvious we had some kind of deep camaraderie and connection. Even to others observing us, they said we acted like a couple. They said he especially acted like someone was giving signals he liked me. This of course made it really really difficult. In the end, I think he liked me liking him, and he didn't want to lose that.

That made him subconsciously give me false hope.

limerence and best friends relationship

I'm not sure if he was doing it intentionally, but it was happening, and as I said, other people noticed too. If its the same for you, this makes it all the more addicting. You just have to disengage for your own sanity. You know you have to cut him off because otherwise you wouldn't be posting here.

Secretly, you want us to tell you that you can have your cake and eat it too-- be friends with him and yet somehow get over him at the same time. If you haven't been able to do it before now, you definitely won't be able to do it eight years on. And I think the distance makes it worse, too, makes you more apt to idealize him. Understand that the more you interact with him, the harder its going to be to disengage later on, though. The more entrenched you become. The more years you waste with him taking up your head-space, the less head-space available to think about someone else.

You get tunnel vision: That feeling of, 'he gets me, how can anyone else get me on that level'? It lies to you. Its already clouding your judgment about guys.

See, I also compared my guy to other dudes I met, and they fell short. It was really demoralizing-- it made me lose hope with dating. I also thought our interactions were 'special', that no one could cheer me up as he did. And maybe they were kinda special.


We were good friends and we did click. But I was wrong about nobody comparing. For one thing, I had a small sample size, and for another I was totally putting him on a pedestal.

One night, soon after we 'broke up', I met this dude on the beach that was just as cute and just as smart, except he was also kind and treated me like I was beautiful and awesome and wanted in my pants. It gave me a real insight on how someone should interact with me and look at me and talk to me, and it was a bit of a wakeup call that maybe the guy I liked wasn't as perfect as I made him out to be.

This was a guy I had interacted with previously, and who I'd overlooked in favor of my friend, originally. If he hadn't of pushed me away, I'd have still been pining for him. I know its hard, and it sucks, and I'm sorry he doesn't love you. Unrequited love hurts and it sucks.

I wish I had better advice for you to make it easier, but it won't be easy to disengage. But you really need to. You can either do 2, or 4. If you do 2, make it a simple drama free message simply stating the facts, short and sweet. Don't make it manipulative or dramatic, don't make your leaving sound negotiable, don't go on and on about loving him learn from my mistakes nor make it as if he should reply. It shouldn't be open-ended.

Unrequited limerence - inappropriate friendship? - Talk About Marriage

Ultimately its a lot easier and drama free to do 4, but a fade out can be super hurtful after a long friendship like this. I'm not sure which would be better for your situation. Then, you need to deconstruct the image that this guy is perfect, because he isn't. I could tell even then my friend had some glaring personality flaws I'd gloss over because I liked him so much.

Truly, he often drove me crazy, was flaky, superficial, pompous etc. You're focusing on his good points. Then, you need to get out there and try to force your heart to open to the idea of someone else. I know you'll be resistant to it, but just meet people, and get to know them. You don't have to like them or even be attracted to them at first, and you probably won't be-- your loyalty will be to this guy for a while.

Just keep dating around, keep pushing past the initial discomfort, try giving people a decent chance before you write them off as 'not as good as my bestie,' ok? Then you need to focus on this, and take it day by day. Just get through the day without contacting him.


Then the next day, do it again. Block him if you need to. Get really really busy. The idea is to distract yourself from the inevitable intrusive thoughts that might make you reach out.

I'm not going to lie: It will be really really tough, and you just have to try to get through the day. Don't look at his social media, it will just make it worse. Lastly, really work on yourself. I was partly looking for love with this dude because I felt like he was a catch and I wasn't.

But I was wrong about that, too. So I worked on the parts of me that gave me insecurity-- I tried to be the best me I could be.

I worked out more, learned more. I tried to make myself the person I wished to date. The confidence boosts really helped my self esteem and it helped me attract a lot of attention from men, too. And its ok to feel really really sad. Its like you're mourning the end of not just a friendship, but secret hopes of a future relationship. Its going to hurt.

limerence and best friends relationship

But it'll be ok. Dreams give out strong emotion and happiness when experienced, but often end with despair when the subject awakens.

Dreams can reawaken strong feelings toward the limerent object after the feelings have declined. Fear of rejection[ edit ] Along with an emphasis on the perceived exceptional qualities, and devotion to them, there is abundant doubt that the feelings are reciprocated: Considerable self-doubt is encountered, leading to "personal incapacitation expressed through unsettling timidity in the presence of the person", [18] something which causes misery and galvanizes desire.

In most cases, what destroys limerence is a suitably long period of time without reciprocation. Although it appears that limerence advances with adversity, personal discomfort may foul it.

This discomfort results from a fear of the limerent object's opinions. Hope[ edit ] Limerence develops and is sustained when there is a certain balance of hope and uncertainty. The basis for limerent hope is not in objective reality but in reality as it is perceived.

limerence and best friends relationship

The inclination is to sift through nuances of speech and subtleties of behavior for evidence of limerent hope. Such excessive concern over trivia may not be entirely unfounded, however, as body language can indicate reciprocated feeling. What the limerent object said and did is recalled with vividness. Alternative meanings for the behaviors recalled are sought.

Each word and gesture is permanently available for review, especially those interpreted as evidence in favor of reciprocated feeling. When objects, people, places or situations are encountered with the limerent object, they are vividly remembered, especially if the limerent object interacted with them in some way.

The belief that the limerent object does not and will not reciprocate can only be reached with great difficulty. Limerence can be carried quite far before acknowledgment of rejection is genuine, especially if it has not been addressed openly by the limerent object.

This section does not cite any sources. Please help improve this section by adding citations to reliable sources. Unsourced material may be challenged and removed. But I'm beginning to think this is where I should have posted it in the first place.

My wife and I have been together for fifteen years. We get on well - lots of quality time together, mutual support, hugs and all - and I can't imagine life without her. Over the past few months, though, I have slumped into a depression. I'm taking Mirtazapine and am in counselling on my own but progress is slow and I'm impatient. Through counselling, I have discovered that my depression has been actually brought on by a work colleague - a woman happily married and not the slightest bit interested in compromising things with me, but who has made the mistake of telling me she likes me as a friend.

Over the past several months I have become physically attracted to X - and I'm showing all the traits of unrequited limerence.

Although I'm 47, I've been feeling like a confused teenager lately. A few years ago, X started going out for lunch with me. I can't remember who made the first move but it doesn't really matter. We had become good friends and it was obvious we enjoyed each other's company. Our lunchtime conversations were substantial and pleasant and, I hasten to add, not at all naughty. I discovered a lot about her: Perhaps you can see where this is going. Our last lunch date was in May and was as delightful as always.

But after X said something decidedly unflattering about herself, I decided to tell her that I thought she was attractive something, I confess, I had secretly wanted to do for some time. Then, I added "surely you know I have something of a crush on you". I told myself this was merely an attempt to further boost her ego.