Father Son Relationships
Over the years of working with men in therapy, I discovered that the issues that so often come up could often be traced back to father son relationships. Dads and sons have a complex relationship. As Frank Herbert said, "What is the son but an extension of the father?" Fathers try to pass on to. This article I wrote seems to describe this relation for me. Father and Son – A Relation So Underrated Father and son, it is one of the most underrated relations .
In cases of neglect, physical or emotional abuse, could a father acknowledge his wrong doing without excusing his behavior? At that point there would seem to be no hope for repair. Their attempts for reconciliation may or may not reach their father, but the real psychological work entails making a concerted effort to sort out this jumbled knot of confused, disturbing experiences and memories within themselves.
Personally, I have twice attempted to untie this knotfirst with my father and much later with my own son. These were largely unpleasant memories of abuse at the hands of my father, which he called discipline. I wanted to try to deal with this upsurge of memories and intense resentment that was coming from deep within me.
This created a stalemate between us, and every time I saw him I was tense and would entertain vengeful fantasies. As part of my own therapy, I was able to vent intense feelings of righteous anger, victimization, and outrage.
This ongoing venting of rage and hurt eventually opened up a totally unexpected memory. I came to realize that there had been a time when I was really young where I actually had wanted something from my father. It was a shock to have this memory. I also came to realize that this did not change anything with him, but it meant a lot to me to uncover this wanting feeling for him.
Unfortunately, nothing in the realm of relationship was possible with my father. He probably idolizes everything you do -- dressing up in your clothes, imitating the way you read the paper or the way you stand when you talk.
He tries to do everything you do and works hard to make sure he has your attention and your approval. You can see in your little boy's eyes that he is utterly convinced that you are without a doubt the ultimate man in the world. As time goes by, though, your son gets older and your relationship changes. When your son begins to develop into a young man, both of you face challenges that mean working a little bit harder to maintain your bond.
The relationship you develop now will set the course for a lifetime bond between you and your son. James Longhurst, a licensed psychologist for Montcalm School, a residential treatment program for troubled and at-risk youth, says that in general, as boys become teens, they sometimes question or challenge all their previously held perceptions about their fathers.
Longhurst says that fathers need to realize that when their boy begins to become a young man, you as a father, need to be sure to keep things in balance. Likewise, they are never as bad, or as stupid, as their teenage sons may say they are. I really started to enjoy life.
Father Son Relationships
I started to see what a real family was all about. It was about love, communication, and responsibility. I respected my sister and brother-in-law for showing me compassion, love, and forgiveness and began to admire the way my sister and brother-in-law treated one another.
I soon became more self confident, responsible, motivated and worked extremely hard to earn my keep and get good grades in school. Because of their impact in my life, I can honestly say that I am a much better man today. They provided me with the foundation I had always wanted from my parents. They gave me a sense of direction and for the first time in my life, I understood what love and family truly meant.
I guess I wanted to prove to them that I was somebody. I actually thought that our relationship could be restored. But in a few short months, all the fighting and arguing just picked up right where we had left off.
I felt like a prisoner of war and that I could not escape. I realized then that a relationship with my father would never be established. I truly felt that I was a failure as a son.
The Connection Between Father and Son | HealthyPlace
Graduation was rapidly coming and I had no future plans. I never really thought about a career or where I was going to live and my parents could not afford college. Upon graduating boot camp, I was finally on my own.
I was free to do what ever I wanted. I began dating and having sex. My life was out of control. After several months, she became pregnant and because I wanted to do the right thing, I asked her to marry me. I was determined to make our marriage work. When our son was born, I was a very proud father and did not hesitate handing out the cigars! I made a pact with myself that I would set the example and be there for my son.
I would be the one to help establish a family heritage of love, honor, and values. About one year later, I faced the unexpected death of my father, who died of cancer. I remember when I walked up to the casket and touched his hands.
They were cold and his skin color was pale white.
I did not know how to react or express my feelings. My emotions overwhelmed me and I cried out. I realized right then and there that my father was not coming back and we would never have the father-son relationship I desired.