When and How to Cut the Ties of Bad Family Relationships | WeHaveKids
Chances 20%; Maybe he is having a bad relation with his wife and takes the stress out on you or other family members. Chances 20%; His wife was well. Hope Rising used to dread holiday dinners with her family. reconciliation, many siblings in strained relationships see no reason to continue. Our relationships expert, Sarah Abell, advises a woman on how to I feel as though my brother and his wife don't want to make an effort with my but I suspect it is sometimes due to a bad patch in her relationship with Nick.
As we grew up, some remained closer than others but we kept in contact, and there is a photo of us linking arms on my wedding day in Smiling at the camera, there is no inkling that just a couple of years later, we would in effect lose our younger brother, Malcolm, who would no longer wish to meet our parents or us.
Invitations were turned down and, should any of us drop round, he was friendly but firmly refused entry. Malcolm and his wife lived within a minute walk of the family home, and so our mum and dad sometimes saw their youngest child when shopping. We expect siblings to have an automatic draw, but usually we would never pick them to be our friends Initially, we all tried to persuade Malcolm to meet up but he always found an excuse.
But how had I let that happen? Dr Alexis Johnson, a clinical psychologist, says that while most adult siblings have feelings of loyalty, a form of love, this is not because they necessarily like one another.
So we expect siblings to have an automatic draw, but usually we would never pick them to be our friends. My mother did that on purpose. She has also turned my younger brother's new wife against me. He'd married her a couple of days after meeting her, and I thought that was fishy.
When and How to Cut the Ties of Bad Family Relationships
I told my mother and she took that information right back to her. I will never tell her anything again. My husband said that my mother is my worst enemy, and I think he's right. Besides that, I was repeatedly sexually abused by a cousin who's eight years older than me during my childhood. When I told my mother about it when I was 28, she didn't believe me and made excuses for him. I've told other family members, and they too apparently don't believe it or could care less as my abuser is on their Facebook friend list!
Last week, another cousin, whom I'd confided in a couple of years ago about my sexual abuse, invited me to his son's birthday party via Facebook's invitation system. I saw that he had also invited my abuser. I'm now to the point of closing my Facebook account and not having anything to do with any of them. I just can't deal with the pain any more.
I pay rent I buy all my own things. She hates me, they always use me as the scapegoat in their live. All they want from me is money and for me to fail. For about 4 years of her early life I took care of Her and my Brother.
Why doesn't my sister-in-law make an effort with me and my family? - Telegraph
Like she was raped, then seen with her attacker a month later. Lying about it until someone else said they seen her and she fessed saying it was her friends that forced her. I just want to distance myself but the farther she goes the more I blame Myself SK 3 months ago Never knew how I was being treated till I got married, moved far away from home where my visit was not able easily and the thought of me visiting her over time grew hostile inside never knew why until years later why I was feeling angry.
Her controlling behavior, her abusive words, i didn't like it but put up with it because she is my mom. All the things i have done for her even going that extra miles never knowing why then and I was doing it to seek approval and love from her.
I still have bitter feelings from all the flashback memories that trigger now and then. I don't know how to block them out or forget them, they just come to me. She will never apologize, have no remorse, she's the victim in all this not her children. She hasn't even tried to reach out to me or my kids, not a word.
That tells me how little she even cares about me or them. Still now and then I wonder if I am to blame for breaking off ties with her. Rhi 3 months ago Never assume a family estrangement is a simple matter of egos or petty squabbles.
I have encountered many people in support groups online and in person whose choice to cut ties is based on personal safety. Family estrangement is often no different than women leaving abusive boyfriends or husbands. You wouldn't tell a woman: You owe him a relationship!
There is no legal obligation to talk to blood relatives, so don't try to force contact. My parents were emotionally, physically and mentally abusive throughout my childhood and teen years, including an attempt to have me kidnapped and indoctrinated in religion, "cured" of my attraction to men and that's fifteen years before I transitioned. My "brother" is so violently homophobic and transphobic he would likely kill me, much like the violent assaults he has perpetrated.
What, exactly, am I supposed to gain by contacting them?
Estranged people I know tell me that meddlers and flying monkeys are among the worst problems. People assume they are "helping" while acting from ignorance or acting on their own personal biases. So-called "professionals" are among the worst because they are paid to take sides and could have influence in legal matters.
Someone who blindly believes "family is everything! Someone who only hears the abusers' side might stupidly give information without permission and endanger someone's privacy, mental health or safety. There are cases of men believing the fictions of abusive ex-husbands and stalkers "my wife won't let me see my kids!
I'm sure that some estrangements are just minor arguments that got blown out of proportion. But don't arrogantly or ignorantly assume that accounts for the majority. Even if there is no estrangement someone wants to "go native" and cut all ties from their pastit must be respected. JK 3 months ago I have 2 sisters, I'm the middle child. Always responsible with money, never in any trouble, closer to our parents. After our parents passed away about 9 and 10 years ago, there were behaviors about the estate that ended up with me cutting ties with my younger sister.
She's a horrible person and I just decided that now that our parents are gone I don't have to put up with her hateful and abusive treatement. My older sister was also really nasty to me but seemed to be remorseful in the end. I've always been closer to my older sister even though I've put up with a lot.
She is single divorced and has no children. She is intelligent, but has no common sense and I have realized recently at age 64 that she is probably a narcissist.
I've been married over 40 years, we have 2 grown daughters that are pretty great grownups and a couple of grandchildren.
Both our daughters and my husband are encouraging me to cut ties or at least drastically limit my interaction with her. Lately she has taken in the younger sister out of a fantasy of being her saviour and the reality hit pretty quick and I've been getting calls and texts on how miserable she is with her at her house etc. She criticizes and shames me for not wanting anything to do with the younger sister at the same time she's telling me all the terrlible things she says to her and is regretting having her come stay.
After a recent altercation not having to do with younger sister, and her typical nasty texting and accusations made up only to inflict pain and sound superior, I really want to cut ties.
I haven't spoken to her or heard from her in a week. I know eventually something will happen, and she will call or something and decide she'll act like nothing happened and expect me to act that way as well. That ain't happening again. I've seen the light. I just wish that I felt better about it. I don't know why I can't have a family of origin that is normal and cares about each other unconditionally. I guess that's MY fantasy.
SarahWilliams 4 months ago I was a band-aid baby, created via alternative means, to heal my parents broken failing marriage. Instead of being angry with each other, they turned their anger on me.
My father wanted to give me up the day I came home from the hospital. He didn't want to raise me. My mother refused to get rid of me, so he was blamed me, literally, for everything that went wrong, ever. They then had my sister, who was their true biological child. She became the golden child and I became the permanent scapegoat, the whipping boy. They even imposed horrible punishments on me for very minor offenses, as a way of being an "example" for my sister, so they wouldn't have to punish her.
My father told me constantly how much he hated me, how he wished I had never been born, and how his life would have been better without me. My mother encouraged this, because she said it was better he take his anger out on me, than her. He was controlling and mistreated me in countless ways, every day.
He believed this was his right, for being forced to support a child he didn't want. When I became parent myself, he tried to control everything I did with my children, medical decisions, educational decisions, dietary decisions, vacation decisions, and even where I decided to live. I attempted to set boundaries, rules of behavior etc and demand respect.
When I was 37 years old I discovered my mother had taken a inheritance left to me by a relative. She said I owed my parents, for the fact that they had fed me and clothed and sheltered when they didn't want to. Then my father began to demand time alone with my children so "they could get to know him", which I refused. Both parents have still refused to tell me who my real biological father was. I finally reached the conclusion that I was wanted by my parents; I was the thing they could mistreat, control, and bully and blame, instead of addressing their real problems and the real dysfunction in their relationship.
I served a purpose, which is why they tried to maintain complete and utter control. They have called me "hateful" and "ungrateful" to anyone who is willing to listen. I hate being estranged from the very people who are supposed to love and care about me the most, but I don't miss their treatment. I do really believe I am stopping an bad cycle. Emilyfitzgerald 4 months ago I have given my mother so many chances to be a part of my and my childrens' lives. Countless DCF calls and police showing up at my home because she doesnt like my boyfriend.
I have tried; offerring family counseling, letting her see the grandkids, etc. Its just not worth my sanity any longer So sad 4 months ago I am an adult with college age kids.
I have always been close to my parents. Recently, I learned that my father is secretly a monster. He sexually abused my children for years. My whole family has imploded. I feel so betrayed by her.
Siblings: what if the bond just isn’t there?
If it is the latter, has someone in your family said something or done something that has upset her? Does she dislike the way Nick behaves when he is around you all? Is she punishing Nick when they have had an argument by sulking with his family? Is she jealous of you or your daughter for some reason? Has Zara grown up believing sulking and dramas are part and parcel of family life? Try thinking through why she might be how she is; observe her with others; watch what triggers any negative behaviour; and invest some time getting to know her better.
And when you do spend time with her, try and focus on her good points where possible. Thirdly, strike while the iron is cold. Decide whether you want to say something to Nick or Zara, or both of them together. If you do discuss the problem with Nick by himself, be prepared that anything you say may be repeated to Zara. Choose your moment carefully — not when everyone is upset but when things are going smoothly. Try a gentle approach. I love it when we are all together like this.
We were worried about you. Discuss ways to improve communication between you. By trying a new approach. If you usually phone Nick — why not liaise with Zara instead?